The Lucky Ones

Have you found the beauty of
getting old yet
or is it still lurking
and hiding
within the lives of those
lucky ones
who are lucky enough to
age gracefully
would it be too much
for me to ask
you to stop fading
away from me
because every time I look at you
all I see is
the weight of sixty years
breaking you
down
sixty years that went by
too fast and of which
only seventeen you knew me
but you loved me
and you watched me grow
while I watched you grow
and now I'm watching you
slip away
but sixty years is not fair
now is too soon
for me to call this beautiful and
if I ever hear anyone say
that there's beauty in
death
then I'll assume
they've never seen anyone
dying or at least they've never seen
my grandmother
after her third trip to
the hospital
in a month
they've never seen
her smile
fade away because she couldn't
speak loud enough
for anyone to hear one of her
classic jokes
I don't give a damn
if heaven needs
another
soul to sing heavenly ballads
sixty years is not fair
and if she goes
I'll break
even further than
I've already broken
just watching her
go
and wishing that she
was one of the lucky ones.

If This is the Worst, Then Please Tell Me it Gets Better

Who do I think I am to reach for something greater than mediocrity, when excellence is for the few, and I can barely lift myself out of bed in the morning? To disappoint others is one thing, but failing to make yourself proud does something tragic to the soul. I know for a fact that I am not what others think I am. Then again, who's really as great as what others perceive them to be. It's near impossible when their view of you is blurred and you're forced to see yourself for what you really are. Flaws and all. I know that I'm my biggest critic, but I never thought I'd fall this low. When I start to tell myself that I'm not who I thought, does that mean I've finally found rock bottom? Because I'm afraid that I'm not, and if I fall any lower, then I'm afraid I'll never be.

Mother Knows Best

My mother told me I should be weak. She said that a husband should act as an extension of a father, always there to take care of his wife, because women were like babies and babies needed to be taken care of. She said that women were the weaker counterpart, and when I said I refused to be weak, she said that if a woman was stronger than a man then there was a problem within the household. When I suggested equality she looked at me as though I spoke blasphemy. Still, I stood by my opinion and told her that I would never be with a man who saw me as weak. "Then you'll never find a man!" was her response.

Her criticism didn't stop there. I remember when I told my mother I wanted to adopt. She said she wanted a real grandchild. I always thought that family wasn't confined to blood. I've met people who meant more to me than blood did. She told me I was selfish. Then she said if I didn't give birth to children, then what use was my body? I would be allowing my most important quality to go to waste. Am I wrong for believing that I have other noteworthy qualities? How can I be looked down upon for refusing to be defined in such a simple manner?

It's funny how the same thing that gives me worth and purpose is the same thing that undermines my capabilities as a human being. My mother always seemed to have such low expectations for me. As she criticized my every thought, she told me if I couldn't take criticism from her, how could I take it from the world? If her criticism was constructive I would say it was acceptable, but it never was. Now I see her telling my sisters the same thing, and I worry, not only for them but for her as well. Because this mindset that she attempts to harbor within us can only be a reflection of how she see yourself. You are only weak if you allow yourself to be. I hope she can forgive me as I refuse to be held hostage by her, and the world's, low standards for women. I will not walk in her footsteps, and I will not utter one word of her destruction to my children. Instead, when my daughter speaks of me she will say: My mother told me I should be strong, intelligent, capable, witty and kind and nothing will detract from my value unless I let it.